Anxiety is so fast! I related so much to this story. Often my need for control and order is just anxiety. Often I say no bc of fear of scary or uncomfortable potential outcomes. Yes is sometimes a way to let go, to loosen my grip. This idea has been coming up a lot with my 4yo. I say no too much, before I give it much thought. So I’m trying to not say no unless I know for sure it’s a no.
Oh gosh, this whole dynamic is so magnified in the parenting role. I had this same experience when the kids were young. As they got older and I observed my rigidity I started going back to them after an automatic no and telling them that I had changed my mind. I'd even share my awareness of the irrational fear that prompted the immediate no. At the beginning I had this idea in parenting that you should be decisive and not go back on what you've said, that it would undermine my authority if I changed my mind, but it seems to have had the opposite effect over time. My kids now as adults are self-reflective, self-correcting, and able to update their perspectives and decisions, and I think the modeling of this was actually beneficial for them.
That's beautiful, Rick. I have definitely felt that feeling of, well if I go back on my no, then he'll just whine next time until he gets his way. There's truth in that, too, but I didn't think about actually explaining to him the why, and why I originally said no. I'll try it!
Also, amidst the constant feeling of failure, my son will apologize so sincerely without being prompted, and I think it's because my husband and I apologize to him all the time. It goes to show that even when we mess up, there is still room for a win.
I'm truly convinced now that it's messy imperfect parenting and self-honesty about the missteps that opens the door to a bigger win than I thought possible, for both me and my kids.
Right now I'm going through my inbox during my "weekly self-calibration meeting" like every Sunday morning. And I'm anxious about my schedule today because I don't know if I will manage to resolve all my todos which I was putting oof during the week.
Thank you for sharing that! I definitely need to shout "LET'S GO" more often.
Awesome Martin. It's like that isn't it? It's in the smallest of actions and details that anxiety takes root and suddenly the weed of anxiety is choking the growth of the whole garden! Definitely worth doing the weeding work proactively.
Rick, your essay so clearly illustrates how thinking about life – or perhaps merely thinking, period – can actually supplant the *living* part of life while your mind spins out of control. I really enjoyed how you deconstruct the various neurotic elements of your anxiety in this situation, and how all of this crazy-making is compressed into just 1.8 seconds. Bravo to you for dropping everything, saying YES, and giving your overactive mind a break. I occasionally suffer from anxiety (to the point of near paralysis, truth be told), and so I thank you for reminding me about such an effective way to address all of this mental suffering. (By the way, glad there were no mosquitos!)
Yes, and also, I'm finding these two modes very complimentary. The time spent with written life can prepare me for real life, and real life, for written life, and on and on in an upward spiral that is just damned fun to engage. Real life without written life, and written life minus real life are both pale versions of the two in partnership.
…interesting pov Rick…i am not sure i feel the same way at the moment but appreciate your vision and enthusiasm…it is hard to put into words but the more i record and the denser the archives the stronger pull i have to erasing the VHS tapes…it is good to have record, to learn, to share…but something feels so nice about a moment forgotten or just barely remembered or maybe not even noticed…endless cheers to the partnership and fathering you expressed here though…being someone for someone is a great gift…
I resonate with that perspective as well. We're at a buffet I think. There's room for many flavors and courses. I'll raise a glass to undocumented moments as well.
Thank you James. Whoever suggested that life is a classroom and that we've come here to learn offered a very helpful framework for making best use of our time. For those of us who like being students it's heaven, because the lessons never end.
My pleasure Katherine. It's like a slow-acting drug—the habit of ruminating, worrying, doom-futuring—and then I suddenly notice that life has become small. I'm often looking for ways to shock myself back into recognition of how much more there is beyond the veil of anxiety ridden perception. If I was able to share a reminder about what's possible in that respect, that makes me very happy.
Really fabulous. What a lucky kiddo you have. Kayaking in the moonlight because Dad said yes. You broke a whole bunch of rules. What an impactful reminder this is about what life is for.
Well, yes ... is not 'YES' the most spiritual word? We kind of dissolve in a 'yes', yes? We're suddenly more spacious. Yada, yada... anyway, nice monitoring of that ever-ready, self-sabotaging 'no', Rick. No, I mean it, you have an impressive perspective on that damned human condition of ours. No, I retract 'damned'... it's our condition, after all. But one that can be transcended by that simple YES. Methinks that's our lifelong work.
100% with you on the unacknowledged power and divinity of "yes". And love the retraction of the damning label. It's part of our healing is to see that condition as it is, without judgment, because then we've got the clarity we need to make new choices in relationship to that curious condition. You've walked the talk in making that a lifelong work my friend. I always look forward to your stories that celebrate the yes.
The line, I'd like to get to a faster yes, is brilliant. And your realization that the anxiety was made up is also illuminating. I look at that and ask myself the same question. How often does my ego create anxiety to keep me in my comfort zone? I also loved your description of how all of this took place in a matter of mere seconds. Gratefully, something deeper than your ego allowed to find your yes, enjoy a deeper moment with your son.
Gratefully indeed. So much self-forgiveness and compassion is required on this path, because that "something deeper" was only created by watching my anxiety win over and over and over again until there was a chance to step in and change the script before it fully played out. A sense of humor goes a long way in that regard, which is why I like writing about these episodes. And I think you're absolutely right, anxiety is a tool of the comfort zone.
Rick, I love the dialogue in your head description at lightening speed. What this reminded me of though was one very hot summer night in LA when all of a sudden my parents decided we'd all get in the car (5 kids plus them) and drive to Santa Monica beach from Glendale - 26 miles. It was this magical memory and I'm curious where the impulse came from. Did one of my parents suggest it while the other one had all those similar thoughts zoom through their head? I'll never know, but the result was this awareness that you could be so spontaneous and daring even. There we were running in and out of the water in the dark. Thanks for the memory.
I spent the last two days in a course called Mental Health First Aid. The whole thing was super useful in many ways, and also, akin to telling people to engage with their immediate environment from the comfort of one's computer screen.
Sometimes, the Universe has a funny way of showing the better way just in time.
So good. Your writing, as it often does, accomplishes something beautiful: at honest look at the incongruencies between who we're being and who we want to be and the opportunity to act in service of the latter.
“Let’s Go!” That’s such a great way to approach anything you’re unsure or wary of. Rather than meekly hoping things will turn out for the best, I like this idea of throwing myself into something “with an enthusiasm even I didn’t know I had.”
Thanks Simon. I'm discovering for myself how much it's just fear that is at the base of this, but even more fundamentally it's fear of the fear. If I could be okay with being afraid, oh man, the things I could do!!
Rick, even the title of this is superb! It completely sparked my experience over the weekend on a FT catchup call with a friend when I was ranting about how technology and screens are creating so many problems in the modern world. I closed my laptop and then realized I was using the very thing I was mad about 😆
And this piece struck a chord with me. Thank you for so poignantly highlighting the speed at which anxiety and fear travel. I've been feeling more anxious than usual. The timing of this was splendid. I was motorbiking away from a meditation course yesterday and noticed fields of cows that are known for having four stomachs to optimize eating which then makes me think "What are humans built for?" Given our large heads and brains, a cow would think for thinking of course, but these monkey minds think we can do so much and lose sight of the body that it lives in and the fact that we only have two hands and ten toes to do all the things that it generates. As my Thai translator of the monk reminded me yesterday, "the mind is the master and the body is its servant." but that doesn't mean we need to be in the mind so much.
I welcome your invitation to be spontaneous more often and saying yes even when fear is making me want to say no.
Thanks for the beautiful share Jen and vote of appreciation. It's why Honestly Human occurred to me as a publication title because turning around and simply getting honest about where we're at, what we're thinking, and what we're feeling has such a profound impact on the spirit. It's like re-gathering ourselves and collecting all those monkey-strewn pieces of ourselves and simply being with the fear, or rumination, or frustration—with ourselves as we are. "The mind is the master and the body is its servant" is an interesting statement. I often feel the opposite, that I'm thinking about how I'd like to be or what I'd like to do and the body is slamming on the brakes, refusing to move, or generating so much anxiety that I fear moving forward. I've been experimenting with living with a lot more anxiety than ever before as I pursue things I really care about. The result is living the best, most fulfilled, most satisfied, and most anxious period of my life!!
Way to be running experiments Rick and I understand the name of this publication a lot better now! It's interesting how feeling like living your best life also comes along with living anxiously... why do you think that is?
You can't live fully without becoming visible I suppose, and you can't be visible without the risk of blocking somebody's view, so there's fear of the backlash of that.
So relatable! I think there’s something to how taking action is the antidote to…I’m not sure. Not necessarily solving the anxiety, but maybe helping show that both can coexist, anxiety and adventure. Great piece Rick! You can take 1.8 seconds and turn it into a nail biter for all of us!
Thanks Michelle. I LOVE the pairing of anxiety and adventure, because they certainly co-exist more than might wish, hope, or dream they do. If you want the adventure, you've got to enjoy a few butterflies and elevated heart rate.
Anxiety is so fast! I related so much to this story. Often my need for control and order is just anxiety. Often I say no bc of fear of scary or uncomfortable potential outcomes. Yes is sometimes a way to let go, to loosen my grip. This idea has been coming up a lot with my 4yo. I say no too much, before I give it much thought. So I’m trying to not say no unless I know for sure it’s a no.
Oh gosh, this whole dynamic is so magnified in the parenting role. I had this same experience when the kids were young. As they got older and I observed my rigidity I started going back to them after an automatic no and telling them that I had changed my mind. I'd even share my awareness of the irrational fear that prompted the immediate no. At the beginning I had this idea in parenting that you should be decisive and not go back on what you've said, that it would undermine my authority if I changed my mind, but it seems to have had the opposite effect over time. My kids now as adults are self-reflective, self-correcting, and able to update their perspectives and decisions, and I think the modeling of this was actually beneficial for them.
That's beautiful, Rick. I have definitely felt that feeling of, well if I go back on my no, then he'll just whine next time until he gets his way. There's truth in that, too, but I didn't think about actually explaining to him the why, and why I originally said no. I'll try it!
Also, amidst the constant feeling of failure, my son will apologize so sincerely without being prompted, and I think it's because my husband and I apologize to him all the time. It goes to show that even when we mess up, there is still room for a win.
I'm truly convinced now that it's messy imperfect parenting and self-honesty about the missteps that opens the door to a bigger win than I thought possible, for both me and my kids.
This essay found me at the right time.
Right now I'm going through my inbox during my "weekly self-calibration meeting" like every Sunday morning. And I'm anxious about my schedule today because I don't know if I will manage to resolve all my todos which I was putting oof during the week.
Thank you for sharing that! I definitely need to shout "LET'S GO" more often.
Awesome Martin. It's like that isn't it? It's in the smallest of actions and details that anxiety takes root and suddenly the weed of anxiety is choking the growth of the whole garden! Definitely worth doing the weeding work proactively.
Rick, your essay so clearly illustrates how thinking about life – or perhaps merely thinking, period – can actually supplant the *living* part of life while your mind spins out of control. I really enjoyed how you deconstruct the various neurotic elements of your anxiety in this situation, and how all of this crazy-making is compressed into just 1.8 seconds. Bravo to you for dropping everything, saying YES, and giving your overactive mind a break. I occasionally suffer from anxiety (to the point of near paralysis, truth be told), and so I thank you for reminding me about such an effective way to address all of this mental suffering. (By the way, glad there were no mosquitos!)
ha ha, thanks Larry. It seems there are always fewer mosquitos than I anticipate
…real life > written life…
Yes, and also, I'm finding these two modes very complimentary. The time spent with written life can prepare me for real life, and real life, for written life, and on and on in an upward spiral that is just damned fun to engage. Real life without written life, and written life minus real life are both pale versions of the two in partnership.
…interesting pov Rick…i am not sure i feel the same way at the moment but appreciate your vision and enthusiasm…it is hard to put into words but the more i record and the denser the archives the stronger pull i have to erasing the VHS tapes…it is good to have record, to learn, to share…but something feels so nice about a moment forgotten or just barely remembered or maybe not even noticed…endless cheers to the partnership and fathering you expressed here though…being someone for someone is a great gift…
I resonate with that perspective as well. We're at a buffet I think. There's room for many flavors and courses. I'll raise a glass to undocumented moments as well.
...all existences existing existentially without exclusivity...a little long for a rum label but it could work...
There were so many insights that went boom for me in this one Rick.
I think this one was my favorite because my spirit connected to yours and all the other spirits in the universe when I read it:
“But what I do know is that the human spirit is even faster than anxiety.”
The life we live is the lesson we teach and you (and this essay) are a professor :)
Thank you James. Whoever suggested that life is a classroom and that we've come here to learn offered a very helpful framework for making best use of our time. For those of us who like being students it's heaven, because the lessons never end.
Whoa. A powerful essay. Entirely inspiring and lights a spark under my ass to say Yes more to living life with dimension and expansion. Thank you.
My pleasure Katherine. It's like a slow-acting drug—the habit of ruminating, worrying, doom-futuring—and then I suddenly notice that life has become small. I'm often looking for ways to shock myself back into recognition of how much more there is beyond the veil of anxiety ridden perception. If I was able to share a reminder about what's possible in that respect, that makes me very happy.
Really fabulous. What a lucky kiddo you have. Kayaking in the moonlight because Dad said yes. You broke a whole bunch of rules. What an impactful reminder this is about what life is for.
It feels more the reverse to me, that I'm lucky to have a kid, but thank you.
Well, yes ... is not 'YES' the most spiritual word? We kind of dissolve in a 'yes', yes? We're suddenly more spacious. Yada, yada... anyway, nice monitoring of that ever-ready, self-sabotaging 'no', Rick. No, I mean it, you have an impressive perspective on that damned human condition of ours. No, I retract 'damned'... it's our condition, after all. But one that can be transcended by that simple YES. Methinks that's our lifelong work.
100% with you on the unacknowledged power and divinity of "yes". And love the retraction of the damning label. It's part of our healing is to see that condition as it is, without judgment, because then we've got the clarity we need to make new choices in relationship to that curious condition. You've walked the talk in making that a lifelong work my friend. I always look forward to your stories that celebrate the yes.
The line, I'd like to get to a faster yes, is brilliant. And your realization that the anxiety was made up is also illuminating. I look at that and ask myself the same question. How often does my ego create anxiety to keep me in my comfort zone? I also loved your description of how all of this took place in a matter of mere seconds. Gratefully, something deeper than your ego allowed to find your yes, enjoy a deeper moment with your son.
Gratefully indeed. So much self-forgiveness and compassion is required on this path, because that "something deeper" was only created by watching my anxiety win over and over and over again until there was a chance to step in and change the script before it fully played out. A sense of humor goes a long way in that regard, which is why I like writing about these episodes. And I think you're absolutely right, anxiety is a tool of the comfort zone.
Rick, I love the dialogue in your head description at lightening speed. What this reminded me of though was one very hot summer night in LA when all of a sudden my parents decided we'd all get in the car (5 kids plus them) and drive to Santa Monica beach from Glendale - 26 miles. It was this magical memory and I'm curious where the impulse came from. Did one of my parents suggest it while the other one had all those similar thoughts zoom through their head? I'll never know, but the result was this awareness that you could be so spontaneous and daring even. There we were running in and out of the water in the dark. Thanks for the memory.
What a wonderful impression and memory for your entire family.
I have found that there is more pleasure in life when one takes joy in giving pleasure to others x
Amen to that Tom
I spent the last two days in a course called Mental Health First Aid. The whole thing was super useful in many ways, and also, akin to telling people to engage with their immediate environment from the comfort of one's computer screen.
Sometimes, the Universe has a funny way of showing the better way just in time.
I'm curious what was being recommended??
So good. Your writing, as it often does, accomplishes something beautiful: at honest look at the incongruencies between who we're being and who we want to be and the opportunity to act in service of the latter.
If I didn't already love my my pub name I'd change it to "happily incongruent"
That is a banger
“Let’s Go!” That’s such a great way to approach anything you’re unsure or wary of. Rather than meekly hoping things will turn out for the best, I like this idea of throwing myself into something “with an enthusiasm even I didn’t know I had.”
Thanks Simon. I'm discovering for myself how much it's just fear that is at the base of this, but even more fundamentally it's fear of the fear. If I could be okay with being afraid, oh man, the things I could do!!
Rick, even the title of this is superb! It completely sparked my experience over the weekend on a FT catchup call with a friend when I was ranting about how technology and screens are creating so many problems in the modern world. I closed my laptop and then realized I was using the very thing I was mad about 😆
And this piece struck a chord with me. Thank you for so poignantly highlighting the speed at which anxiety and fear travel. I've been feeling more anxious than usual. The timing of this was splendid. I was motorbiking away from a meditation course yesterday and noticed fields of cows that are known for having four stomachs to optimize eating which then makes me think "What are humans built for?" Given our large heads and brains, a cow would think for thinking of course, but these monkey minds think we can do so much and lose sight of the body that it lives in and the fact that we only have two hands and ten toes to do all the things that it generates. As my Thai translator of the monk reminded me yesterday, "the mind is the master and the body is its servant." but that doesn't mean we need to be in the mind so much.
I welcome your invitation to be spontaneous more often and saying yes even when fear is making me want to say no.
i appreciate this share Rick :-)
Thanks for the beautiful share Jen and vote of appreciation. It's why Honestly Human occurred to me as a publication title because turning around and simply getting honest about where we're at, what we're thinking, and what we're feeling has such a profound impact on the spirit. It's like re-gathering ourselves and collecting all those monkey-strewn pieces of ourselves and simply being with the fear, or rumination, or frustration—with ourselves as we are. "The mind is the master and the body is its servant" is an interesting statement. I often feel the opposite, that I'm thinking about how I'd like to be or what I'd like to do and the body is slamming on the brakes, refusing to move, or generating so much anxiety that I fear moving forward. I've been experimenting with living with a lot more anxiety than ever before as I pursue things I really care about. The result is living the best, most fulfilled, most satisfied, and most anxious period of my life!!
Way to be running experiments Rick and I understand the name of this publication a lot better now! It's interesting how feeling like living your best life also comes along with living anxiously... why do you think that is?
You can't live fully without becoming visible I suppose, and you can't be visible without the risk of blocking somebody's view, so there's fear of the backlash of that.
So relatable! I think there’s something to how taking action is the antidote to…I’m not sure. Not necessarily solving the anxiety, but maybe helping show that both can coexist, anxiety and adventure. Great piece Rick! You can take 1.8 seconds and turn it into a nail biter for all of us!
Thanks Michelle. I LOVE the pairing of anxiety and adventure, because they certainly co-exist more than might wish, hope, or dream they do. If you want the adventure, you've got to enjoy a few butterflies and elevated heart rate.