Everything about his story has the HUGE RING OF TRUTH. And I love the way you responded to Hana -- that is inspiring. As well as your willingness to find the tiny grain of useful value hidden in her rant. This is a really lovely story.
Oh Rick. I went off to feed the cats and your words "overly sensitive person like me" were crawling through the back of my mind. Please just snip off the word 'overly' in that sentence. Riding a wave of deep feeling willingly, as you describe in this piece, builds capacity for deep feeling. Riding with you, we share in that growing capacity. To quote Marvin Gaye: "We're all sensitive people, with so much to give..." Thank you.
Massively underrated life skill here, and good for writing too— hearing the note in the note. Sometimes people are just jerks but I do think there are plenty of times when folks just react based on what they have going on. Someone responding how you did often helps with that.
Thanks Matt. I'm very often that reactive type. This was all a good exercise for me to practice an alternative. May we all tune into each other with a little more softness and patience.
This is so you, Rick. The master at drawing out the souls of others by opening up a big space for them through your love. You’re a mentor for us all in this respect and many others. 🙏
I came to the comments hoping to find a reply from Hana, but now I realize that's not really the point of this post.
Rick, I really admire your ability to find the value in a negative critique--especially emotionally loaded one's like Hana's. I'm an overly sensitive person too, and I know Hana's message would have been something my self-critic would have greedily fed on.
I hope when I get a comment like Hana's I'll be able to remember this post, and reflect before I act :)
Thank you Kate. It's honestly one of the main reasons I write, because unpacking situations like this and integrating some new pathways, grounded in language, is enormously helpful for engineering shifts in behavior.
I remain eternally baffled why it's human nature to accentuate the negative. Who knows? Maybe it's some survival mechanism that's worth unpacking.
In any event, it says a lot about your good nature that you responded to this person the way you did and how admit that there's a grain of truth to her – let's call it what it is – nasty comment. Michael Franti's quote is so true, and you apply that quite well to your measured response to something so emotional.
Measured responses are so much easier with these asynchronous tools and communication platforms. It's really helpful to have time to think about one's responses. I hope to develop the capacity to keep my cool in real time moments, and I'm sure the driver I honked at today for getting in my way in the intersection hopes that for me too.
Thanks Miche. It's so hard for me to a digest feedback like this, so I was looking for a way of working with it that would leave me feeling complete. I know the most common advice is to ignore such comments, but as I mentioned, there was some good food hidden in the compost.
Thank you Alex. Hoping to scale it beyond my controlled bubble at my desk. In fact, if I could actively practice empathy with our yappy little terrier I'd be thrilled.
This is a reply to Larry questioning if it's a survival mechanism - yes. the brains high caloric use value is inits a problem solving future predicting capacity, it's geared to solve problems and so makes them even when not there. If i recall in a study people were presented with ambiguous images and 5 out of 7 ascribed negative interpretations. So we are hard wired for problems until we start to learn to quickly pause, reflect and respond instead of react - as Rick noted.
I had a similar experience. My reaction was “what happened to you?” And since the person was the friend of a friend, I found out the truth: They were in a lot of pain. Each reply is a mirror for both sides.
Yes. If you keep the conversation going instead of cutting off with unproven assumptions in your head, there's learning and potential. My dad had a motto growing up, which was, "give people the benefit of the doubt."
I love the pictures you chose for this piece; the woman with her claws up and jaw clenched is communicating so precisely that she's prepared to protect herself, meeting threat with threat. When my mother's dementia worsened so that she couldn't live at home alone any longer, no choice seemed like a good choice; the gridlock of heartache, frustration and guilt was profound. There's no enemy to slash and bite when you're stuck between those rocks and hard places, and you feel like the person on the low end of the seesaw, howling, whispering, "I suck."
Everything about his story has the HUGE RING OF TRUTH. And I love the way you responded to Hana -- that is inspiring. As well as your willingness to find the tiny grain of useful value hidden in her rant. This is a really lovely story.
So true. Well worded, Genie. Captured EXACTLY what I wanted to say!
Thank you Genie
Oh Rick. I went off to feed the cats and your words "overly sensitive person like me" were crawling through the back of my mind. Please just snip off the word 'overly' in that sentence. Riding a wave of deep feeling willingly, as you describe in this piece, builds capacity for deep feeling. Riding with you, we share in that growing capacity. To quote Marvin Gaye: "We're all sensitive people, with so much to give..." Thank you.
Lovely insight and suggestion Alden.
It’s astonishing when people project their own inflamed beliefs onto someone else with such an emotionally loaded topic.
It’s not for others to declare one acceptable way to approach the care of aging parents.
I’m curious if your parents decided for themselves where they want to live.
Your insight into the fact that this commenter must have her own painful story is keen.
I hope she reads this. It would be interesting to know her story.
Agreed. Yes, my parents did decide for themselves.
Massively underrated life skill here, and good for writing too— hearing the note in the note. Sometimes people are just jerks but I do think there are plenty of times when folks just react based on what they have going on. Someone responding how you did often helps with that.
Thanks Matt. I'm very often that reactive type. This was all a good exercise for me to practice an alternative. May we all tune into each other with a little more softness and patience.
This is so you, Rick. The master at drawing out the souls of others by opening up a big space for them through your love. You’re a mentor for us all in this respect and many others. 🙏
Thank you James.
I came to the comments hoping to find a reply from Hana, but now I realize that's not really the point of this post.
Rick, I really admire your ability to find the value in a negative critique--especially emotionally loaded one's like Hana's. I'm an overly sensitive person too, and I know Hana's message would have been something my self-critic would have greedily fed on.
I hope when I get a comment like Hana's I'll be able to remember this post, and reflect before I act :)
Thank you Kate. It's honestly one of the main reasons I write, because unpacking situations like this and integrating some new pathways, grounded in language, is enormously helpful for engineering shifts in behavior.
I remain eternally baffled why it's human nature to accentuate the negative. Who knows? Maybe it's some survival mechanism that's worth unpacking.
In any event, it says a lot about your good nature that you responded to this person the way you did and how admit that there's a grain of truth to her – let's call it what it is – nasty comment. Michael Franti's quote is so true, and you apply that quite well to your measured response to something so emotional.
Measured responses are so much easier with these asynchronous tools and communication platforms. It's really helpful to have time to think about one's responses. I hope to develop the capacity to keep my cool in real time moments, and I'm sure the driver I honked at today for getting in my way in the intersection hopes that for me too.
I can’t fathom living with my children in my golden years. Every family has their own needs and desires. It’s not up to any of us to judge.
You handled it with such compassion and grace. I hope writing this has helped you release any lingering feelings that aren’t serving you.
Thanks Miche. It's so hard for me to a digest feedback like this, so I was looking for a way of working with it that would leave me feeling complete. I know the most common advice is to ignore such comments, but as I mentioned, there was some good food hidden in the compost.
Even better reading it this time
Thanks Chao.
I wish I could push a button and scale this kind of self-reflection and empathy across all of humanity.
Thank you Alex. Hoping to scale it beyond my controlled bubble at my desk. In fact, if I could actively practice empathy with our yappy little terrier I'd be thrilled.
I suspect a yappy little terrier is about as perfect an empathy training device as there could ever be.
Ha ha, you're so right. I have my own personal ETD.
This is a reply to Larry questioning if it's a survival mechanism - yes. the brains high caloric use value is inits a problem solving future predicting capacity, it's geared to solve problems and so makes them even when not there. If i recall in a study people were presented with ambiguous images and 5 out of 7 ascribed negative interpretations. So we are hard wired for problems until we start to learn to quickly pause, reflect and respond instead of react - as Rick noted.
Hello Rick, I can't think of a better word than 'humility' to describe your response to Hana.
It takes courage and a huge amount of humility to see the good in the bad.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you Samson
…your unending quest and ability to find story and good in yourself and others is good for yourself and others…you got a big beautiful hat brother…
thank you CansaFis
I had a similar experience. My reaction was “what happened to you?” And since the person was the friend of a friend, I found out the truth: They were in a lot of pain. Each reply is a mirror for both sides.
Yes. If you keep the conversation going instead of cutting off with unproven assumptions in your head, there's learning and potential. My dad had a motto growing up, which was, "give people the benefit of the doubt."
I love the pictures you chose for this piece; the woman with her claws up and jaw clenched is communicating so precisely that she's prepared to protect herself, meeting threat with threat. When my mother's dementia worsened so that she couldn't live at home alone any longer, no choice seemed like a good choice; the gridlock of heartache, frustration and guilt was profound. There's no enemy to slash and bite when you're stuck between those rocks and hard places, and you feel like the person on the low end of the seesaw, howling, whispering, "I suck."
Beautifully expressed Alden. So many of us have had to navigate the complexities of elder care all the factors that make decisions challenging.